Life Taught Me
Life has many ups and downs. I’ve certainly experienced more downs than ups over these past two years. Even though I feel at times like I’m taking one step forward and two steps back, I realize, it’s in those times of hardship when growth happens.
Over these past two years, life forced me to question some of my values and taught me three important lessons which I now impart onto you.
It’s OK to put yourself first
I was raised in a Christian family where the value of ‘others first’ was instilled into me from an early age on. As a result, I spent most of my life living for others. That included listening to everyone else’s advice on what I should be doing with my life and how I should be living it.
I completely lost myself before I even truly got to know myself because my identity was always attached to someone or something else.
So, here I am at age thirty-six with little money in my bank account and in the midst of yet another career change-over.
My current situation has forced me to ask myself the following questions: Where do I fit in? When do I draw the line and start making my own needs a top priority? Because I matter, too. And right now, I can’t show up for someone else when I’m struggling to show up for my own life.
To some people, any idea that revolves around ‘self’ is condemned as selfish and self-centered. Here is where I’m going to dispel this misconception that some groups of people still have regarding the almighty ‘self’.
It’s ok to put your needs first. And it doesn’t automatically make you a self-centered person. Even the bible mentions that there is a season for everything. That includes ‘me first’ versus ‘others first’.
A virtuous lifestyle is not black and white because we don’t live in a black and white world. We never have and we never will.
If you’re finding yourself in a similar situation, you must put your needs first and take care of yourself, because only you are responsible for your own happiness. The only person who you can rely on is yourself. It doesn’t mean you stop caring and that you stop trying. It also doesn’t mean you go out and intentionally hurt others in your journey to self-discovery.
It just means that you know when to place healthy boundaries with others and yourself; that you know when to lend a helping hand to others and when to take a step back and lend yourself a helping hand.
2. Being people-picky is crucial to mental health
People-picky means you are selective and careful with whom you choose to get close to — that includes your future partner if you’re still single.
There is nothing worse than being belittled and disregarded by people who are supposed to be your friends, especially when you’re going through a rough patch in life.
That happened to me quite frequently over these past two years, and one of those people was a guy I went out with for eight months; a guy I thought was the man of my dreams. Yet, I was so starry eyed and in love, it blinded me and I was unable to see the red flags until months after I left him.
These experiences and those narcissists left me doubting my own abilities in discernment. I even started to believe that there was something wrong with me. Until I told myself, enough is enough!
There is great value in being people-picky because I deserve better. You deserve better. We don’t need to have a lot of friends; we don’t even need to be in a relationship in order to feel love and accepted. We just need a couple of good friends who accept us the way we are, flaws and all; those friends who will stand with us through life’s ups and downs.
So, how do you become people-picky?
Start by discerning. This means that you are able to read other people’s body language and verbal communication. How do they express their thoughts and opinions? And how do they react in stressful situations? Are they quick to anger? Do they withdraw, or are they even-tempered (which means they have strong coping skills)?
Have good intuition. Good intuition means that you are open-minded and that you are aware of your surroundings. You see things for what they are and not how you want to see them.
Listen to your gut instinct. If your gut instinct raises those red flags about a certain friend, listen because your gut instinct will never lie to you. And act accordingly.
Some people will accuse you of being over-sensitive or heartless because you’ve abandoned a relationship with a chronically depressed person. But the reality is; you can’t help someone who refuses to help themselves. And let’s face it; some people are just downright nasty for no good reason.
Regardless of what family, other friends, and the world may try to tell you, being people-picky and having firm boundaries is crucial to your mental health. It can even save your life.
3. You don’t have to keep on explaining yourself to everyone
Shortly before I was laid off my winter seasonal job, my boss asked me what I planned on doing for work. Did I have a job lined up?
My answer to the first question: “I don’t know yet.”
My answer to the second question: “No, I don’t.”
When she expressed her concern, I instantly dispelled it by saying — without launching into every detail — that I wasn’t worried because something will work out.
Truth be told, at that time, I had an idea that I wanted to become a freelance writer, but I didn’t know what that looked like or even how to get started. I was marching off into the unknown, but for the first time in my life, I wasn’t worried about it.
Even though I’m still getting started, I’m still not worried.
I used to feel the need to spill my guts to everyone and then explain to them the hows and the whys of my lifestyle. I needed validation. I needed people to understand my situation. I needed them to empathize with me. I needed their approval and their support.
But guess what? This act of vulnerability worked against me. Instead of the support, acceptance, and validation I longed and sought for, I was judged and criticized. People gave me all of the reasons why I shouldn’t pursue my dreams. I was told ‘No, you can’t’ a great many more times than ‘Yes, you can. You’ve got this, girl.’
So, I’ve — ever so recently — forced myself to shut my mouth. It doesn’t matter what I do, someone is always going to have an opinion and I’m not going to please everyone. Nor do I want to.
There are very few people in this world who genuinely want to see another person succeed. They cringe when they hear that a young person bought her first home. They cringe when they see a marriage succeed. They cringe when they hear about his promotion in the company.
So, stop feeling like you have to explain yourself to everyone. Just be who you are, pursue your dreams, and disregard others’ expectations of you because, although sometimes well-meaning, their plan for your life is not the life meant for you. Last, but certainly not least, stop giving a damn about what other people think about you.