This is a guest article by Alex Blackmeer.
I have never had a fantastic opinion about myself. I was always thinking that I was not good enough. I used to think that I had to achieve more than was needed. I did all that to prove my worth.
When I was in school, I tried to learn more every time to prove that I was getting those good grades on merit.
When I had my first job, I went over the top, working weekends and holidays. I used to take on different projects, like doing my job was not enough to deserve my salary.
In my first long-term relationship, I tried to impress and help my girlfriend achieve every small or big dream she had, even though I left myself behind.
My friends knew that I was always there for them. And that I would even lend them money, without any question, and without expecting them to give it back straight away.
Some people say I was a good guy. Some people say I was a fool.
I did all that to feel recognized.
I felt that need for approval.
I liked that feeling of being “wanted” or “needed”.
They say that the more you give, the more you receive. Is it, though?
Some are givers, and some are just takers from my experience(or maybe I was very unlucky).
Givers have to set limits because takers rarely do.
Henry Ford
I used to be the first to jump to take on extra responsibilities at work.
Now I say I cannot do it.
I used to run and help my friends on their first call.
Now I say that I am busy.
I used to pay for everything on a date and buy expensive gifts and trips.
Now I expect to share the bill equally.
I used to say yes so many times.
Now, I have learned to say no.
It will be challenging initially, but believe me: It will be worth it.
I used to feel stressed, tired and completely overwhelmed. And all that because I was trying to make everyone happy: my family, friends, girlfriend, managers, etc.
Now I feel free.
I am more relaxed.
I have no more headaches and fewer worries.
I do not even worry about myself. I know I am on the right path.
Now that you managed to read all of this, I hope you understand the importance of taking care of yourself.
You will think that family and loved ones will always come first, so you can never say no.
OK. I agree. But if you are not feeling well, how can you take care of them? You will probably make things worse.
I have followed these rules in the last few months, and they made miracles for me. So I hope that they will help you too.
LEARN HOW TO USE EXCUSES.
It will be hard to say no, especially to your closest friend and family. So, it is better to learn how to excuse yourself politely.
I know that it feels like lying.
But you do not have to lie. “ Sorry, but I am feeling a bit tired” is always a valid excuse and perfectly accurate for those constantly bombarded with demands.
TAKE SOME ALONE TIME.
A long walk for me works best. It is a mix of moderate exercise and meditation. It helps me stay fit, and also it clears my mind.
Try not to interact with anyone. Just go out by yourself, enjoy the fresh air. Try to go out in nature if you are close to a park or a forest.
Make a habit of taking a long walk in the evening. Leave your phone at home. Or go and sit on a hill and watch the sunset. If the weather is terrible, you can even find a quiet room and sit there with a cup of tea and relax.
WORK IS TO PAY THE BILLS, AND THAT’S IT.
You do not have to know everything at your workplace, and you do not even have to learn new things every time.
Learning a new skill at work usually comes with extra responsibility, and unfortunately, not with extra pay or even respect for you as a person or for your personal life.
I have argued with managers many times because they always assigned me to the most demanding jobs and gave me more and more things to do.
Their justification? “You showed that you could do more and never complained.”
TRY TO STAY CALM, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.
Controlling your emotions is the most critical part of achieving a stress-free life. You do not have to worry about anything. The outcome will be the same anyways.
There are only actions and reactions in nature. Therefore, what we perceive as good and evil are just human constructs.
If you react poorly and release many negative emotions, it will not solve the problem. Instead, staying calm is the best way to make the right decisions.
As the Dalai Lama said:
If there is no solution to the problem, then don’t waste time worrying about it. If there is a solution to the problem, then don’t waste time worrying about it.
Check out Alex Blackmeer on Medium (https://medium.com/@alexblackmeer) and give his articles a read.